


Your Past is not Our Future

by RubyRomance16



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eden's Gate, Excessive Drinking, Falling In Love, Family Relationships - Freeform, Fluff, Homophobia, Insecurities, John Seed's past, M/M, Past Promiscuity, Physical Abuse, References to The Book of Joseph, Romance, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-05-23 21:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14941703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyRomance16/pseuds/RubyRomance16
Summary: Disclaimer: Terry is not an original character, although he does not appear in Far Cry 5, he is mentioned in a letter from John which can be found in John's bunker titled 'Your Question'.I think the letter is very likely a love rejection and because we don't know anything else about the character Terry besides what was said in the letter, I wanted to write a fan fiction about John and Terry's relationship.John's letter to Terry in the Far Cry 5 video game can be found on this web page: https://farcry.wikia.com/wiki/Terry





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Terry is not an original character, although he does not appear in Far Cry 5, he is mentioned in a letter from John which can be found in John's bunker titled 'Your Question'.  
> I think the letter is very likely a love rejection and because we don't know anything else about the character Terry besides what was said in the letter, I wanted to write a fan fiction about John and Terry's relationship.
> 
> John's letter to Terry in the Far Cry 5 video game can be found on this web page: https://farcry.wikia.com/wiki/Terry

John sat in the office of his bunker, listening to a message left on his answer phone. His sister's soft voice informing him about a transfer that was to be made from Henbane River to Holland Valley. This was due to the amount of Eden's Gate members in her region having become far greater than that of John's. The transfer progress would take two months, with groups of four to five people being transferred weekly starting from today.

'There should be four people arriving this morning.' Faith concluded.

The moment the message terminated, John heard a soft knocking at the door.

'Come in.' John answered, not looking up from a paper he was reading.

A pair of feet crossed the threshold and the door clicked shut, but when no one spoke, John lifted his head.

Joseph was standing in front of his desk, looking at him intently, his brows slightly furrowed.

'Joseph!' John exclaimed. 'I wasn't expecting you' he flustered, trying to gather up the documents that were sprawled all over his desk. 'I'm sorry the place is a mess, I-'

John suddenly felt two fingertips under his chin, tilting up his head. His brother peered down into his eyes in concern.

'You look tired, John. Have you been getting enough sleep?'

John blinked, caught off guard. 'Yes, Joseph.'

The older man didn't look convinced. 'I worry about you, child. I fear sometimes that you may be working too hard...'

John doesn't say a word, keeping his head bowed and eyes low.

Joseph sighed and patted his younger brother's head. 'Have you received a message from Faith?' he asked.

'Yes, Joseph.'

'Good, so you know about the arrangement. Did Faith tell you when-'

He cut off upon hearing the sudden knocking behind him, both brothers looking towards the door in unison.

After telling the visitor to come in, Joseph pulled the wooden chair that resided in the corner of the room towards the desk, placing it next to the chair John was sitting in.

The man who entered didn't give John a second glance after noticing Joseph was also in the room.

'Father.' he said, bowing slightly.

'My child.' answered Joseph. 'Please sit.'

 

The visitor's name was Francis, the first of Faith's transfer arrangement to arrive that morning. He certainly seemed to know his place around The Father, and although this is what John likes to see, he'd already decided that he couldn't stand the man. The ignorant bastard didn't listen to half of what John said, mumbling responses whilst barley looking at him.

The next candidate that morning arrived ten minutes after Francis was dismissed. She was a tall woman with short red hair called Victoria, and just as unremarkable as her predecessor. The look she gave John upon entering the office basically said 'I'm here to serve The Father, but I don't give a shit about which herald I work for. Arrogant bitch.

The third candidate, a pompous, patronizing little man in his late forties called Luke, was the straw that broke the camel's back. Luke said he was a relatively new member of Eden's Gate and had never seen John before. He had stared at him with raised eyebrows, and said he was surprised by how young he was. John had flushed at the scrutiny, having to use all his self-control not to unleash his pent-up wrath in front of The Father.

After Luke's duties had been explained, John went into the hallway and called over the first person he saw.

'Matthew, show Luke to his quarters for me.' he ordered briskly, gesturing towards the room down the hallway.

'Yes, John.' said Matthew, walking towards the office door, glancing back once in confusion, wondering what his boss's strained smile was all about.

Joseph followed Matthew and Luke as they exited John's office. 'John, I'm preaching at Eden's Convent at eleven thirty.' he said. 'I'll be leaving now.'

'Yes, Joseph.' said John quietly, head bent down in embarrassment. He couldn't bring himself to look him in the eye, not with the shame of this this morning's events simmering away inside of him.

Joseph ran his fingers through his younger brother's hair, and John relaxed a little despite himself, enjoying the gentle feeling.

'Don't exert yourself, child. And don't neglect your sleep either.' said Joseph, an air of paternal disapproval in his voice.

When John didn't look up, the older man tilted his chin up with his fingers, encouraging eye contact as he had done earlier.

John nodded obediently but couldn't help shrinking back slightly at the reproachful blue eyes in front of him.

Feeling rooted to the spot as he watched Joseph leave, John unconsciously bit down hard on his lip, the blood oozing from the tiny wound going unnoticed.

'Fuck...' he said under his breath, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. He wiped them furiously with the back of his fist, turning to walk back to his office. After barging through the door, he turned and slammed it loudly behind him, wanting everyone to know that he was pissed off and didn't want to be disturbed.

 

John looked across the room to the mahogany cabinet in the corner. Fumbling around in his pocket, he fished out the key to its door and walked over to it unhesitatingly. He knelt and turned the key in the lock, opening the door with trembling hands. Reaching inside, he retrieved the bottle of whisky he secretly kept in there. His mind was threatening to show the image of Joseph's horrified face if he walked in a saw what his baby brother was about to do, but he pushed it back, shaking his head vigorously. He couldn't let himself think of Joseph right now.

John took the bottle over to his desk and poured some of light brown liquid into the empty mug he had used for coffee that morning. He grimaced as he swallowed a generous mouthful, trying to ignore the burning sensation in his throat. He poured more regardless, beginning to feel the alcohol drain the stress from him. He looked at the whisky bottle and suddenly realized the tactlessness of leaving it out in the open. John hastily grabbed the whisky and hurried to the cabinet, his shaking hands preventing him from screwing the bottle cap back on.

As he was locking the cabinet, John heard a gentle knock at his door. It was at _his_ door, right? It sounded as though it could be coming from further down the hall. But when John called out for the visitor to come in, he realised his own voice sounded far away. Before even having time to panic that the whisky had affected him more than he anticipated, someone stepped inside his office.

A tall man who John presumed was in his late twenties or early thirties stood before him. He had shoulder length brown hair which curtained the sides of his face, flowing slightly in the breeze of the closing door behind him. He wore a black leather trench coat bearing a white Eden's Gate symbol on the back - his trousers and laced boots were also black, contrasting starkly with his pale skin, but his shirt was a crisp white and was free from even the slightest crease. John was taken aback by the man's attire, for everyone else he knew in Eden's Gate didn't have much consideration for their dress. Well, it is just work clothes at the end of the day, John couldn't argue with that.

The man's warm brown eyes met John's icy blue ones, the skin around them crinkling as he smiled at him. A smile that John didn't return.

Getting up from where he was kneeling, John tried to compose himself. The attempt was in vain, for the whisky in his system was blurring his vision and there appeared to be two of the person standing in front of him.

'Hello, sir,' the man greeted politely. 'I'm here about the transfer from Henbane River... are you alright, sir?'

'Fine,' John snapped, sarcasm saturating his voice. 'I don't want to hear anymore patronization than I've had this morning.'

The man blinked across the room at him, his startled expression changing to one of unnerved confusion.

'I-I'm sorry, sir- I wasn't-'

'And why did you feel the need to come here all dressed up?' John slurred, closing the distance between them and poking the man sharply in the chest. The latter looked down at him, wide eyed in shock and trepidation. He cleared his throat hastily.

'I was just trying to make a good first impression, sir'

'Seems fucking pretentious if you ask me-' John cut off abruptly as he swayed too far to one side; he knew, even in his drunken state, that he wouldn't be able to regain his balance to stop himself from falling. So why was it taking so long for him to hit the ground? He slowly opened his eyes and realised he was being held up by the arms by the man in front of him.

'P-perhaps you should sit down, sir?'

John nodded, too foggy-headed to feel embarrassed, and let himself be led to the chair behind his desk.

'What's your name?' he asked the visitor, mumbling into his palm as he rubbed his hand across his face.

'Oh, sorry, sir. It's Terry. Terry Wilkes'

 

John felt his head beginning to clear as he finished the glass of water that Terry had gone out to get for him, but although the haze of alcohol was beginning to leave his brain, he felt more confused now than he had earlier. For a few minutes ago, as John's senses were starting to come back to him, a sudden pang of fear washed through him. How could he be so foolish? Thinking that his drinking would go unnoticed. Of course, Terry had not said anything, but he'd have to be a total half-wit not to put two and two together. John had gotten up from his desk, raking his hands through his hair and walked up to the man before him, grabbing the collar of his coat and pulling his face close.

'Listen,' John had hissed at him. 'Don’t you dare tell anyone about the whisky, understand?!’ It was intended to sound like a threat but there was a slight wobble in his voice and John hoped with all his might that it went unnoticed, anxious that Terry would use it as blackmail to get back at John for how he had treated him. But he showed no sign of even considering it.

'O-of course not, sir! I would never let anyone know. I swear on my mother's grave, please believe me,' he had pleaded. John had seen the earnest assurance in Terry's eyes and, to his amazement, found that he immediately believed him.

He couldn't understand why this man, who John could now acknowledge had not shown any disrespect from the start, was being so good to him after he had accused him, insulted him and issued threats right in his face.

'Can I get you anything else, sir?' asked Terry anxiously.

John raised his eyes to Terry's and forced himself to swallow his pride. 'I'm sorry about earlier,' he mumbled. 'I know you didn't mean any disrespect.'

The apology was half-hearted, but Terry's eyes lit up a little. 'It's fine, sir. I mean... if I were to show insubordination, it's only your duty to reprimand me.'

John blinked up at him, beginning to wonder if the man was simple. Why couldn't he see how much of a failure he was? Everyone else could, not that John cared about what anyone else thought of him, only what Joseph did... He shook his head abruptly, trying to make the image of him disappear.

'Yes, but you didn't, and that's the whole point.' He replied finally. 'And you don't need to keep calling me sir. Just call me John, everyone else does.'

'Yes... John.' Terry smiled. 'And thank you for accepting me to work for you.'

Taken aback by the words of gratitude, John looked into the man's eyes and found no sarcasm in them, just earnestness.

'Um... you're welcome... Terry.'

Terry's eyes crinkled at the corners again, smiling with such sincerity that, for the first time that morning, John couldn't help but smile back.


	2. Chapter 2

Life in the bunker had changed recently, and John was trying to figure out why. It had been two weeks since the first four Eden’s Gate members transferred to Holland Valley, and John concluded that it must have something to do with that. There had been a better atmosphere, less arguments and more productivity; even hopeless T.J was getting the job done right. Not that John was complaining, it was the least stressed he’d been in months. It wasn’t just reduced stress that had been a change for him, he felt happy. Something he usually only feels when he makes Joseph proud, which is how it should be. He must earn happiness, because if he can’t please The Father he is worthless. Shameful. A failure. He really was an advertisement for his own sin. Sloth.

The thought made John grimace in self-loathing. He would just have try harder. To concentrate harder - something he had been finding difficult recently when he was with Terry. He had to admit, he liked having the other man around immensely. He seemed to have the ability to light up a room when he walked in, his eyes always crinkling at the corners whenever he saw John, as though really pleased to see him. John didn’t understand why, but something about that made his heart flutter in his chest.

Terry didn’t just converse with John about work reports, he would ask if he’s feeling alright if he appeared stressed, or how his day had been in the evenings, or share jokes that Micah and Ezra had told him earlier. One time he made John laugh until his eyes watered, and Terry laughed with him, his brown eyes bright and warm – an image of pure wholeheartedness, and John thought he was beautiful.

 

John knew in his heart that it had been Terry who had made life in the bunker tranquil and more efficient, but one day he ended up stumbling across proof of that.

He had been doing his daily routine check of the bunker, walking towards the end of the hallway when he overheard the conversation.

‘You’re a life saver, Terry, I’ve been dreading to have to tell John that I’d lost it. _Again_.’

John stopped in his tracks as he heard his name, peeking around the corner of the wall to see who was there. T.J was standing in front of the storage closet speaking to Terry while joyfully throwing a key up and down in his hand.

‘This would’ve been the third time I’d have lost it. I knew it must have been some of the guys messing with me. T.J continued.

Terry laughed. ‘Yes, I had my suspicions. Don’t take it to heart though – Micah and Ezra were just fooling around, you know what they’re like.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ T.J smiled. ‘Thanks again, Terry.’

John heard a jangle of keys being turned in a lock, while a set of footsteps walked away from the storage room in his direction.

Panic flooding through him at the thought of being caught eavesdropping, john tried to think fast, turning around abruptly and colliding with a large rigid object a yard or so behind him. Someone had forgot to put a lid back on a crate in the hallway containing pieces of scrap metal, and John had fallen into it backwards, his legs sticking up in the air in an undignified fashion. A sharp jabbing pain in his leg caught his attention and upon looking down, John saw one of the sharp objects sticking into his thigh. John groaned in pain, trying to remove the metal impaling him, until he realised that a tall shadow had covered the crate. John looked up, and to his mortification, saw Terry gaping wide-eyed back down at him.

‘…John? Did you fall?’

John flushed in humiliation. ‘No, I mean yes, I mean… just carry on Terry, I’m fine.’ He gabbled, unable to look him in the eye. He grabbed the sides of the crate and tried to heave himself out but couldn’t help wincing and falling back at the shooting pain in his leg.

‘Careful! It’s alright, I’ll help you.’ Terry reassured, bending down to put one of his arms under John’s knees and the other around his waist to lift him.

‘ _Terry_! What are you doing?! Put me down!’ John gasped, struggling in the other man’s grip in protest.

Terry carefully lowered John’s feet to the floor after he’d removed him from the crate. ‘Sorry, I just thought it would’ve been easier than-’ Terry cut off as his eyes moved to John’s leg.

He gasped suddenly, crouching to get a better look at the bleeding wound, which was turning the area around the tear in John’s trousers red.

‘John, that’s a deep cut! Come with me – I’ll treat it for you’

‘No, I’m fine, really’ John argued, but suddenly groaned in pain as his wretched leg throbbed again when he tried to move it.

‘Come on, I’ll take you to the medical room’, said Terry, bending down to take John in his arms again.

 

Terry set John down on the operating table in the bunkers medical room. Although he felt undignified and embarrassed, he liked the feeling of being in Terry’s arms. It made him feel precious, like he was someone who mattered; it reminded him of the feelings he has when he’s with Joseph but mixed with something else that he couldn’t put his finger on.

After washing his hands with anti-bacterial cleanser, Terry picked up the items he had found out of the cupboards and took them over to the operating table.

He dunked a washcloth in a small basin of warm water and applied it to the inflicted area on John’s leg. John couldn’t help wincing at the stinging sensation and the other man looked at him apologetically.

‘Sorry, I just need to cleanse the wound.’ He said, rinsing the cloth in the basin and squeezing it out, before carefully dabbing at the gash again.

‘I’m going to apply some antibiotic ointment now, to prevent infection,’ informed Terry. ‘I’m sorry if it’s painful.’

‘You seem to really know what you’re doing.’ John commented.

He smiled. ‘I used to be a nurse.’

After the ointment had been applied, Terry screwed the lid back on the bottle and looked down at John awkwardly.

‘Please remove your pants.’

‘What?!’

‘So I can dress the wound.’ He rushed to explain.

Hesitatingly, John swung his legs over the side of the operating table and pulled his pants down, feeling a blush spread across his face, burning his cheeks.

He cringed when he had to lift his leg for his thigh to be bandaged, the entire situation feeling far too intimate, but Terry remained business-like, his hands deft and eyebrows furrowed in concentration. His professional attitude made John relax gradually, but he started to feel exposed in the silence of the room as he lay with his legs clad only in boxers.

‘Y-you know, I think it’s you who’s changed things around here.’ John began, trying to break the ice.

Terry glanced over at him, bemused. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Things have been going great ever since you transferred. I’ve noticed how you make things easier for everyone and I… overheard you helping T.J out earlier.’

Terry smiled at the mention of his friend. ‘Yeah, he’s a lovely man.’

‘So are you.’

‘Are you trying to seduce me, John?’ asked Terry lightheartedly.

John’s heart skipped a beat, blood running cold as his eye’s widened in horror. ‘Of course I’m not.’

Terry’s hands froze and dropped the bandage as his expression changed to match Johns own.

‘I was only joking, John, I-I swear.’ He stammered, startled, anxious.

John suddenly realised what he’d just said, and how foolishly he’d reacted to Terry’s innocent humour.

‘I-I had you going there didn’t I?’ John laughed, but the faux playfulness in his voice was evident.

He wanted to see relief come into the other man’s eyes and that smile he loved to spread across his face in understanding, but Terry just blinked uncertainly, letting out a nervous laugh.

‘Y-yeah…’

He finished dressing John’s leg in silence.

 

An awkwardness had lingered between them since then and John felt like kicking himself for how foolish he had been. How could he have been so blind? Anyone else would have known it was a joke, so why didn’t he?

It had only been two days since then, but John already couldn’t stand the changes he had seen in Terry. He would look down at John to smile at him when they passed, sometimes with a brief greeting, but other than that, he stopped speaking to him altogether unless spoken to first.

This made John worried, anxious that they were losing what they had. And that made him think, what _did_ they have? Was it just a boss and subordinate relationship, or was it friendship? John marvelled at the fact that he considered Terry a true friend, something he can’t remember at anytime in his life ever having. Terry had bought a brightness into his life that he didn’t know he needed, and just like everything else he was accountable for John had fucked it all up.

No, not this time. He wanted to fix this, he at least needed to try.

He realised that Terry was the only person in his life other than Joseph who accepted him for how he was. Just the thought of that made his heart swell. There was no way he was losing that, not if he could help it.


	3. Chapter 3

It was evening, and everyone was finishing their duties. The first place John thought to look for his friend was Dormitory B where his sleeping quarters were. He didn’t know which bed Terry’s was, but he did know that it resided between Micah and Ezra’s.

There was no sign of Terry as John entered the dorm, but fortunately Micah’s striking red hair caught his eye. The man was a frustrating wretch who loved to push John’s buttons, and this infuriated John to no end, but he needed to find Terry, and Micah was the one to ask. He was the same age as John and knew him quite well, he’d had even had a fling with him a few years ago when he was at his lowest. But he’s never going back there again, not ever.

‘Micah,’ John called, walking over to him. ‘Have you seen, Terry?’

The other man was sitting on his bed, rolling up some tobacco in a piece of paper. ‘What d’ya need ‘im for?’

‘None of your business!’

‘Woah take a chill pill, boss. You’re always bitin’ my head off when I ain’t done nothin’’

‘I wish you’d show some fucking respect for once.’ John mumbled, rubbing his hand over his face in frustration.

‘Sorry, John. You are kinda pissy today though.’ Micah commented, taking a drag of his cigarette.

‘You didn’t answer my question. It’s the least you could do, considering I let you smoke when you know The Father doesn’t allow it.’

Micah grinned up at him. ‘Oh, get lost, you let me smoke ‘cause I know about the little tipples you ‘ave now an’ again.’

‘Fuck off, Micah.’

Micah fell back on his bed, giggling. ‘You need to lighten’ up, John.’

‘Have you seen Terry or not?’

‘’E was on the roof, last time I saw ‘im.’

‘That’s all you had to say.’ John snapped, stalking off and leaving Micah chuckling behind him.

 

As John was nearing the top of the stairs that led to the roof, he felt a pang of nervousness.

_I’m not good at this sort of thing… what should I say?_

As he climbed the final step, he looked across the roof and saw Terry sitting on the wall of the bunker’s front entrance, watching the sun setting over the horizon. There was no one else up there, and John was sincerely thankful for that.

As John approached him, Terry’s head turned at the sound of footsteps behind him. ‘John!’ he exclaimed. ‘I-I wasn’t expecting to see you up here. Everyone’s finished up here now, so if you were looking for someone-’

‘I was looking for you.’

‘For me? Why?’

John hesitated. ‘W-we’re friends aren’t we?’

Terry looked at him for a moment. ‘We are?’ He smiled. ‘That’s good. I’m glad.’

He turned back to the sunset view before speaking again. ‘I thought I might have… offended you yesterday.’

John started, that’s not what he wanted to hear. ‘What? No! I don’t want you to think it was your fault – I… I was just being stupid. Do you think we can just forget about it?’

To John’s relief, Terry’s eyes crinkled with a smile at his words, looking just as relieved himself. ‘‘Course we can,’ he said, holding his arms out to John. ‘Come ‘ere.’

After taking a few uncertain steps forward, John found himself being pulled into a hug. He could feel the other man’s body heat through the fabric of his shirt and felt his cheeks burn at the physical closeness. He never embraced with anyone except Joseph – sometimes Faith and occasionally Jacob but that was it, and yet Terry had initiated it so casually, as if it were second nature to him. To John it was strange, unexpected; but at the same time it felt right, and soon he found himself hugging his friend back and treasuring every second of it.

When he pulled away, Terry patted the space on the wall next to him.

‘Do you want to sit here for a bit?’

Nodding, John climbing up and letting his legs hang of the edge, already getting caught up in the beauty of the sunset landscape before him.

Terry was quiet for a moment, leaning his weight back on his hands as he gazed ahead, pensively.

‘I’ve been sitting out here a lot recently,’ he said after a short while. ‘I feel completely alone with my thoughts here.’

John looked over at him in disbelief. ‘Really? I feel like I’ve been trying to get away from my thoughts for as long as I can remember.’

Terry’s eyebrows furrowed in incomprehension. ‘Why?’

‘Because… because of how much of a failure I am, no matter how much I try I always end up fucking things up.’

‘John’ Terry sighed, shaking his head a little. ‘You do not… eff things up.’

‘I feel like I’ve disappointed Joseph so many times… sometimes I’m ashamed to call myself his brother.’

‘Don’t say that! Anyone can see how you always try your best, and I can see how much The Father loves you for that. I think it’s wonderful that you’re so close with each other.’

‘Yeah… he’s like a dad to me.’ John was suddenly stunned to realise what he’d just said. He’d never told his feelings about Joseph to anyone. Things just came out so easily to Terry; it made John realise how much he trusted him.

‘That’s nice… it reminds me of how my auntie was like a mother to me growing up. She was my guardian for most of my teen years after my father… got arrested.’

Terry seemed to become a little uncomfortable and when quiet again, but when he saw John waiting for him to continue, he added ‘he could get a bit abusive,’ by way of explanation. ‘He drank a lot and… you know.’ He looked down again, obviously wishing he had not brought up the subject.

‘I can relate to that,’ said John, trying to console him. ‘My brothers and I got taken into foster care because of our father’s abuse, you’re not the only one, Terry. I can’t remember him that well, but I can remember the day I got separated from Joseph… I cried so much I didn’t think I had any tears left… But eventually, he found me again. It took such a long time but he did-’ John’s voice broke suddenly, unable to continue with a lump in his throat.

Terry reached over to take John’s hand in his. ‘I’m sorry that happened to you, John.’ There were tears in his eyes as well, and he gently stoked the back of John’s hand with his thumb. ‘But the wonderful thing is that you’re together again now, and no one will be able to take that from you again.’

John’s heart fluttered in his chest at Terry’s soft voice and comforting words and how gently his hand was holding his. He looked up into the eyes of the man next to him and he gazed back, both leaning towards each other until John realised how close their faces were. He pulled back, alarmed at how he had let himself unconsciously get that close without realising. His heart hammered wildly in his chest as he quickly swung his legs over to the other side of the wall and got to his feet.

‘We better be getting back,’ he gabbled hastily over his shoulder. ‘I-I didn’t realise how long we’d been out here,’ John stammered, pretending to look at his watch. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Terry,’ he called, rushing down the stairs, two steps at a time. He didn’t hear Terry’s reply, but he couldn’t bring himself to look back.

 

John lay in bed that night, unable to sleep. There were too many questions flying back and forth in his mind. Why did that happen? What does this mean? It’s not like I actually would have… would I…?

_No, no! Don’t think like that! I_ wouldn’t _have_ ever _gotten to that… we wouldn’t have_ kissed _. It’s not like I have feelings for him, so why would I think about…_

John’s thoughts trailed off in his head as his mouth fell open in horror. His breathing became shallow and beads of sweat started to form on his forehead.

_I have feelings for him._

His mind tried to find a way out of this, to somehow find something that would contradict it. But it was all in vain. John realised that he couldn’t run away from the truth, but before the familiar feeling of guilt could have a change to wash over him, his mind pointed out something out that had not occurred to him.

_So what? You have feelings for him. But you also have self-control, and you won’t ever go back there again if your loyalty to Joseph remains strong._

John exhaled in the dark of his bedroom.

It was true, nothing else in the world mattered except for Joseph, and although John was always doubting himself, he truly believed this his love for Joseph would prevent him from ever going back to the life of John Duncan.


	4. Chapter 4

John didn’t bring up the almost kiss the next day, Terry didn’t either. To John’s surprise he appeared completely normal, as if nothing had happened – and this made John feel both relieved and frustrated. Had he got it wrong? Had he only thought he saw the signs? Whatever it was, he just had to be on better guard from now on. He didn’t ever want to lose their friendship, but he was going to have to set himself some ground rules from now on. Rule number one being never letting himself and Terry be alone together.

 

Terry had been working hard recently. He always had been diligent in his work, but these days he just looked bone tired, and John knew why. Everyone in the bunker was fond of Terry, he was the type of person who could get on like a house on fire with anyone, but also the type to be easily taken advantage of. He’d take the time to help out anyone, even if it was way over the end of his shift.

One night at around nine o’clock, when everyone was supposed to finish at five, John had found Terry loading crates of the goods that had been collected that day.

‘Terry!’ exclaimed John when he saw him, causing the other man to jump. ‘What are you doing, still working this time of night? Don’t tell me you worked through dinner aswell?’

‘No, no,’ said Terry hastily. ‘I have eaten… but earlier Victoria said she wasn’t feeling well so I offered to finish her shift after I’d had dinner… but when I was about to leave the dining room Gina called me over to look at Luke’s ankle, because he fell and sprained it while on kitchen duty – and when I had treated his ankle I offered to finish his shift in the kitchen.’

John shook his head at him. ‘You don’t always have to say yes, Terry.’

They looked at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing at the ironic words.

John tried to catch his breath. ‘I know that’s what I’m always spouting but it doesn’t have to apply to everything, mister!’

Terry smiled sheepishly. ‘Sorry, John.’

‘You’re going to finish up now then?’

‘I can’t, I still have two more crates to-’

‘Terry,’ John cut in, exasperated. ‘Leave this now. Go and put your feet up.’

Grinning up at John gratefully, Terry rose from where he was kneeling and pressed his lips to John’s cheek in thanks.

As Terry's footsteps were fading as he walked away, John stood rooted to the spot, staring into space with his mouth open, feeling as though he’d been touched by an angel. He raised a quivering hand to the side of his face where Terry had kissed him, walking back to his room dazed.

_Stupid man. You have no idea, do you?_

 

It was Sunday the next day, the day of the week when, after the morning sermon, the Seed family would have a family dinner together. But that was the last thing on John’s mind as he stood behind Joseph during the Eden’s Gate Sunday service that morning. Terry was sitting in the front pew concentrating on Joseph’s words with his eyes closed, and John couldn’t help but admire how beautiful he looked with his long eyelashes fanned out like that. Once during the service Terry had caught John looking at him, but before John could look away his friend winked affectionately, eye’s crinkling with his lovely smile. It had made John’s heart flutter traitorously in his chest, but smiled back regardless, shooting a glace at Joseph, who didn’t seem to have noticed.

John thought back to that smile long after the service ended, burning it into his memory like he did with every other smile Terry had given him.

 

‘John are you listening?’

John snapped out of his trance and lifted his eyes to Joseph who was looking at him expectantly.

‘Sorry, Joseph, what was that?’

‘He’s been spaced out all morning.’ Jacob murmured, not looking up from his plate.

‘I have not!’

‘I don’t think he even knows what the sermon was about, Joseph,’ his sister smiled gleefully.

John narrowed his eyes at her. ‘Shut up, Faith.’

She grinned, trying to stifle a giggle. ‘I think he was too busy gazing at that man the whole time.’

Jacob looked up. ‘What man?’

‘No one!’ said John, mortified. ‘Just drop it, Faith.’

Joseph’s eyebrows furrowed. ‘John? Are you alright?’

‘Yes, Joseph,’ he obliged, trying to calm himself. ‘I’m sorry I was distracted during your sermon, I just…’

‘Mm?’ he prompted.

‘Nothing.’

Joseph stared at him for a moment but decided not to push him. He picked up his cutlery again and the table fell silent. Faith picked up her knife and fork too but didn’t continue eating, she hadn’t taken her eyes off her youngest brother.

‘I think John has an infatuation with him,’ she smirked.

Jacob rolled his eyes at her from across the table.

Joseph frowned at his sister disapprovingly. ‘Faith, John said he doesn’t want to talk about it.’

Faith bowed her head, hair covering the sides of her face, ashamed as always when her brother scolded her. ‘Sorry, Joseph.’

The meal was finished in silence.

 

When John arrived back at the bunker he sat down in his office and put his head in his hands. Was he really ‘gazing’ at Terry that morning? He didn’t even realise that he was doing it himself, but of course, Faith just had to notice it and bring it up at dinner as an excuse to spite him. He really had to be more careful from now on, because it was true, John didn’t have a clue what the sermon had been about. He could have hung his head in shame, Terry’s smile had bewitched him for the last time.


	5. Chapter 5

Today was finally the day for that junior fucking deputy to confess. She had been captured and brought to the bunker that evening, and John couldn’t wait to make her pay for what she’d done. Pouring scorn all over his brother’s project and slandering his name with the wrath that drives her – no one does that and lives to tell the tale. John didn’t expect her to submit and know her place immediately, but he thought she’d be at least a bit intimidated at being strapped to a chair as John had stapled severed skin from an earlier atonement as an example. She hadn’t even blinked, simply staring him out to convey the message that he didn’t scare her. He had lost his temper and pushed the table to the floor, telling her that she would go first after he’d taken Deputy Hudson back to her room, so the confession could be in private. He wasn’t surprised when the sinner turned up at Hudson’s room door about ten minutes later, calm and collected as though she had full confidence that she would rescue her friend from a man who was no threat to her. Smug bitch. It was maddening, how she never seemed to doubt herself. Well, Ol’ Wrathy would get her comeuppance when she’s dragged back to the confession room for her wretched wrath to be etched onto her flesh so she can carry its burden. Then he’ll see if she’s worthy of atonement.

 

It was all over. John was still in Deputy Hudson’s room, preparing the equipment he needed for the tattooing of her sin. Then Matthew came in to give a report: the junior deputy had escaped – and to rub salt in the wound, The Father had been informed.

John fell to the floor as his breathing became erratic. There was only one thought swirling around in his mind, making him feel like he was going to be sick. _Joseph! Joseph! Joseph! What will you think of me? I’m sorry. I’m_ so _sorry_.

John couldn’t think properly in his panic, but his mind still registered that he wouldn’t want to be caught breaking down like this. He fled from the room and ran all the way to his office, hastily locking the door behind him. He bent over clutching his front and panting, feeling as though he couldn’t get the right amount of air he needed into his lungs. Walking over to his desk, he collapsed into the chair, face down in folded arms on the surface. He cried brokenly for over half an hour, until he heard a knocking at the door.

‘John?’ T.J’s voice called out cautiously.

John made no reply, trying to stifle his sobs and hoping the man would go away.

He heard T.J shift his feet awkwardly. ‘Um, Deputy Hudson’s door was left open. Has she done her confession?’

John accidently gave a loud sniff. He hoped his cover wasn’t blown.

‘Um… I’ll go an untie her and lock the door then…’

As his footsteps faded, John looked towards the mahogany cabinet. He knew what he needed right now.

 

Ten minutes later there was another knock at the door. John ignored it, pouring himself a second glass of whisky.

‘John?’ a gentle voice called.

He froze. Terry.

‘I’m going to unlock the door, okay?’

‘N-no! Don’t come in! John tried to call, but his voice came out hoarse from crying.

He heard a key turn in the lock and the door opened slightly, Terry’s head poking through the gap with caution. He looked taken aback when he saw John’s face, blotched and tear stained. His eyebrows furrowed together in concern, hurrying over to him and putting a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

John usually felt comforted by Terry’s presence, but even he couldn’t stop the iron fingers clenching around his throat every time he thought of what expression Joseph would be wearing on his face right now. Disappointment? Disdain? Contempt?

John couldn’t help his eyes welling up again and rubbed at them furiously with his fists as he gritted out a sob through his teeth.

‘Shh, it’s alright, John. Everything’s going to be okay. Don’t cry, sweetheart.’

John felt comforted and angered at the same time by his words. He leaned his head against Terry’s stomach. ‘No it’s not,’ he slurred. ‘Nothing’s going to be okay…’

Terry blushed a little at the intimate gesture. ‘Um, John… have… you been drinking?’

John nodded, his mind too clouded with alcohol to think of lying.

Terry rubbed his hands over his face in mild frustration. ‘You shouldn’t rely on drink. I wish you wouldn’t keep it in that cabinet.’

John groaned into the fabric of Terry’s shirt.

‘I wish there was something I could do for you to make you feel better.’

John lifted his head up. He knew what would make him feel better. ‘There is one thing…’ he said, trying to get up from his chair. He wobbled suddenly and grabbed onto Terry to try and regain his balance, but they both ended up falling on the ground in a heap.

Before Terry could speak John straddled his waist and began to nimbly undo the buttons on Terry’s shirt.

His eyes widened in alarm. ‘John, what are you-’

John cut him off by putting a finger to his lips. ‘Shhhh. There's no need to be coy,’ he said, rubbing his hand up and down the exposed pectoral of Terry’s chest.

Terry suddenly bolted upright, pushing John away from him and unsteadily getting to his feet.

His breathing was shallow when he spoke. ‘W-what has gotten into you, John?’

‘You’re right,’ said John, clumsily getting to his feet himself. ‘We shouldn’t do it in here. We’ll go to my bedroom instead, it’s just down the hall.’

Terry’s mouth was hanging wide open as he watched John crouch down to the cabinet. ‘J-John!’

‘Be patient, Terry. I just want to get a drink to take with us.’

Terry swallowed, he'd become even paler than usual, running a shaky hand through his hair. ‘I don’t understand, what are you trying to prove by all this?!’

John turned slightly to glance at him. ‘Oh, come on. Don’t play innocent. I’ve been with enough people to know how everyone see’s me, Terry, including you. John Seed: an easy slut looking for a good time. Don’t tell me that wasn’t your first thought when you met me, it’s alright to admit it.’

The sudden silence that fell went unnoticed to John as he finally found the right key to the cabinet and turned it in the lock. He took the whisky bottle out again and leaned against the wall to balance himself as he got up. He turned around, and his stomach dropped in horror as he saw tears streaming down Terry’s cheeks, his lip quivering as he stared at his friend in disbelief.

His voice was low and trembling. ‘I-is that what you think of me? That I’d think of you like that?’

John felt the guilt clawing at his insides. ‘N-no! Terry, please don’t cry!’ John pleaded, aghast. He reached out to try and touch his arm and felt a stab of hurt as Terry flinched away. He turned and ran out of the office without looking back.

‘Terry!’ John shouted after him, frantic, desperate. He hurried to the threshold and looked in the direction the other man had ran, but he was nowhere to be found, leaving John in an empty hallway.

John looked down at the whisky in his hand, unhesitatingly unscrewing the cap and swigging it straight from the bottle. A useless nightcap, really – he had no chance of sleeping that night.


	6. Chapter 6

John woke up the next day confused and disoriented with what felt like the worst hangover he’d ever had. Looking around at his surroundings he realized he was still in his office and that, with a familiar pang of self-loathing, he had passed out on his desk drunk.

As he tried to gather his thoughts, his blood suddenly ran cold as a flash of images from the events of yesterday evening ran through his mind. Straddling Terry on the floor as he tried to seduce him, telling him things he didn’t mean, tears falling from his eyes as he stared at John brokenly from across the room, eyes still searching for a reason not to believe what he had just heard.

John got up suddenly and ran to the bathroom next door, hanging his head over the toilet in the nearest cubicle. He vomited violently, wrenching every time he thought of the look on Terry’s face last night, until he could be sick no more.

He flushed the toilet and went to go and brush his teeth in the en-suite of his bedroom. He couldn’t even stand to look at his own reflection, he was so ashamed.

‘You can’t do anything right can you?’ he asked his image in the mirror. ‘All you do is destroy – Joseph’s happiness, and now Terry’s too. You’re hopeless and you’ll never deserve either of them.’

Before he could think twice John’s fist collided with the glass in front of him, a large crack formed in the centre and slicing his reflection into jagged pieces. It would have been satisfying if there wasn’t blood oozing from the cuts on his knuckles. Turning on the faucet he washed off the blood as his hand stung in protest, but as soon as the red liquid had washed off the bleed would continue to stream. He’d have to go to medical to get a bandage.

Medical. Terry might be there. John’s heart dropped in his chest in dread, he didn’t know if he was ready to face him yet.

He hastily wrapped his hand in a small towel and started off towards the medical room.

_What am I going to say to him? How can I make it better?_

He was deep in thought as he turned left down the second hallway from his room, causing him to collide with another man walking the opposite way to him. He looked up to see Micah and Ezra staring back at him.

‘Sorry,’ said John insincerely, picking up the towel he had dropped and wrapping it back around the bleeding wound. As his head was bowed over his hand he noticed that Micah’s feet had not moved and looked up to see the man glaring at him with his arms folded, the usual cigarette between his fingers.

‘You don’t even know what you’ve done, do you?’ he asked as his eyes narrowed.

John frowned. ‘What are you talking about?’ he asked sternly.

Micah took a drag of his cigarette as he gestured to Ezra, and they both walked past John without another word.

‘Don’t ignore me like that!’ John barked after them. They took no notice, turning the corner of the hallway without looking back.

_What the fuck was that about? Whatever, there’re not important. Terry is all that matters._

 

John’s heart started to beat wildly in his chest as he approached the medical room.

_Calm down, calm down, he might not even be in there._

He knocked on the door with a trembling hand. It was opened by Gina, who was also a medic.

‘John,’ she said, surprised. He looked past her and saw Terry, facing the counter so his back was turned towards the door. John may not have been able to see the expression on his face, but he didn’t miss the way he froze when Gina had clarified who had knocked.

John showed Gina his hand, thankful that she didn’t ask any questions. ‘Terry’s better at bandaging wounds than I am,’ she said, turning to her co-worker behind her. ‘John needs a dressing on his hand’ she explained to him.

‘Sorry, Gina,’ replied Terry, abruptly removing his gloves and hurrying to the door. ‘I’ve got kitchen duty. Would you mind taking care of the dressing for me? I’ll do extra time of your shift in here tomorrow, I promise.’ He walked straight past John as though he wasn’t even there and left the room without a backwards glance.

John gaped after him even after the door slammed shut. Ouch, it hurt. Terry had never ignored him before and John hadn’t expected it. A pang of dread suddenly hit him as his anxiety began tormenting him with the usual “what ifs” he gets when guilt ridden over displeasing Joseph.

 _What if my apology isn’t good enough? What if there’s no going back from this? What if he_ hates _me now?_

John sat down with stinging eyes as he waited for Gina to get the bandages out of the cupboard. After his hand had been treated he walked out into the hallway and looked at the clock opposite him. It was nearly lunchtime and Terry was on kitchen duty, so John didn’t have any excuse not to go and find him. The longer he postponed this the harder it would become. He had to act now. Trying to calm himself, John started to walk slowly to the kitchen, rehearsing in his head what he was going to say to Terry, and trying to dispel the fear of it not being good enough.

He walked through the dining room doors and up to the small window of the kitchen. Looking through it he could see Terry with his hair tied back in a ponytail, absently dicing vegetables on a chopping board. His head turned as John entered the room, looking startled by his presence before turning back to the vegetables.

‘Um, if you’re looking for Francis, he’s defrosting the freezer,’ he said, head bent over his work.

‘It was you I was looking for.’

Terry’s movements stilled for a moment before he resumed chopping.

‘Terry, we need to talk.’

‘About what?’

John looked at him blankly. ‘About last night.’

Terry finally put the knife down and turned to look at him. ‘There’s nothing to say, John. You told me what you think of me. I’ll make sure that… I stay away from you from now on, so there’s nothing for you to worry about.’ He turned away from him again, picking the knife back up to continue working.

John gaped at him in horror, grasping at the hem of the other man’s shirt sleeve in desperation. ‘What?! No! Terry, please! Can you please just let me explain?!’

Terry was silent for a moment, closing his eyes wearily. ‘Alright. When do you want to talk?’

A bubble of hope rose in John’s chest. ‘W-we could talk later, when everyone’s finished up. Meet me in my bedroom around seven.’

Terry’s eyes widened in alarm, and John suddenly realized what that sounded like. ‘Just to talk!’ he rushed to clarify. ‘It would be more private than my office, that’s all.’

Terry exhaled slightly in relief. Then he nodded. ‘Alright, I’ll meet you at seven.’

 

John sat on the edge of his bed, fidgeting anxiously. It was now a quarter past seven.

_Please, please don’t tell me he’s changed his mind._

But a minute or so later, there was a brief knock at the door before the knob turned and Terry came into view.

‘I’m so sorry I’m late, John! I was-’

‘Caught up doing odd jobs again?’ John asked.

They smiled knowingly at each other and for a moment it was like everything was back to normal again.

John patted the edge of the bed, silently asking the other man to sit down.

‘Terry, I’m so sorry about last night. I was drunk and disgusting and you shouldn’t have had to see me in that state.’

Terry looked at John sadly, his silence encouraging him to continue.

‘I didn’t mean what I said, none of it. I would never think of you like that. It was my old self talking, my old self which I wish would just go away and never come back. But I feel like he’s always there, always waiting for a chance to make me go back to… doing what I did back then. John Duncan, that’s what my name used to be. My parents where the ones who created that monster. When I was a child, whatever I did, it was never good enough for them, whatever I said it would be considered somehow sinful by them. So I learned to just not speak at all, and they thought my quietness meant I was thinking sinful things. Whenever I denied it, they'd beat me until I “confessed”, or I was… l-locked in a room for days at a time. I howled and screamed, calling out to them but they never came for me, it made me question if I'd died and gone to hell. I got used to making things up just so they’d leave me alone…’ he trailed off for a moment, swallowing the lump in his throat. He’d never told anyone this besides Joseph and realised how difficult it was to get the words out when images he wished he could claw out of his mind flashed right before his eyes.

He looked up and saw that Terry was staring at him in shock, lip quivering and eyes moist with tears. One escaped from the corner of his eye and John wiped it away with his thumb, heart clenching at the sight. ‘Oh, Terry, don’t cry,’ he said softly, stroking his long hair.

Terry reached out and held John’s free hand, voice trembling as he spoke. ‘I-I had no idea you had to go t-through all that. And I acted like such a…’ his voice suddenly shook with anger. ‘…such a bastard to you.’

‘Terry!’ John exclaimed. He’d never heard him swear before. ‘...Let me tell you the rest. So when I was of age, my parents sent me to a law school. A respectable young man, a credit to the law industry – I think that’s what they had in mind. I refused to meet their expectations, I wanted to be the exact opposite. I started mingling with the wrong crowd, met a drug dealer at some stranger’s house party and ended up getting hooked on cocaine. I started mingling with other druggies, some who were broken people like me. We were the same because we were both craved distraction from our fucked up lives. That’s when the sleeping around started. Every other morning I’d wake up in some stranger’s bed after getting cracked out of my mind with them or so drunk I could hardly stand. That’s all I wanted in life, permanent distraction. But it was no life was it? I didn’t realise it then, but when Joseph found me I knew. From that day on he was my world, and whenever I fail him I get so scared and start to lose control… start seeking distraction, like John Duncan. And I never, ever meant to group you in with all those people who used me, Terry. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.’

‘Oh, John,’ said Terry, voice breaking again as fresh tears covered his already tear stained cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He pulled him into a hug, and John rested his head on his shoulder, relishing the feeling of being close to him again. When Terry pulled away he looked into John’s eyes seriously, holding him by the shoulders. ‘If you ever feel like you are struggling you come to me straight away, understand? I’ll carry your burdens for you.’ He said, wrapping his arms around him again. John embraced him back, clinging to Terry like a lifeline and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He closed his eyes, a tear escaping from each lid. For the first time in months, the tears were not from guilt or fear, but of joy, contentment and thankfulness simply for being able to hold Terry in his arms again.


	7. Chapter 7

During morning break the next day, John was at his desk going over the latest shipments of goods that had been delivered to the bunker. When he heard someone knock softly outside he knew who is was just by the way the visitor’s hand had tapped the door.

He smiled knowingly. ‘Come in, Terry.’

The door opened ajar and Terry poked his head through, amused. ‘How did you know it was me?’

‘I’m psychic.’

‘Right…’

Terry stood there for a moment, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

‘What is it?' 

‘C-can we meet later? I want to ask you something…’

‘What about?’ asked John curiously, confused as to why the other man’s tone had suddenly changed.

Terry was silent for a moment, then smiled mischievously. ‘What happened to your sixth sense?’

‘You think you’re pretty funny don’t you?

‘I try.’

‘I’m going to fling this pen at you if you don’t tell me.’

Terry raised his eyebrows in mock disapproval. ‘In the workplace? Not very professional, Mr. Seed…’

John got up and walked over to him, pinning him against the wall playfully. ‘Now you can’t escape until you tell me.’ He smirked.

‘Alright, alright, I’ll tell you.’

‘Oh, yeah?’

‘Nope.’ said Terry, ducking underneath John’s arm and running towards the door. Just before he could touch the handle John seized him around the waist, making him squeal.

‘John!’ He laughed, trying to prise his hands away.

They both froze at the sound of the door opening. Joseph stood over the threshold, gaping as his eyes took in the sight before him.

John hastily withdrew his hands from Terry’s waist, face flushing. ‘I-I’m sorry, Joseph, we shouldn’t have been messing around.’ He gabbled, heart pounding.

‘I am also sorry, Father.’ Said Terry quietly, inclining his head so his hair curtained his face.

Joseph gazed at him in awe. ‘You weren’t in the wrong, my child.’

Terry bowed to him and turned towards the door, Joseph watching him leave.

When the door clicked shut Joseph walked over to John and put his arms around him, holding him close. John hugged him back, greatly relieved that his older brother wasn’t upset with him. Joseph kissed the top of his head then pulled away to look him in the eyes, his own looking a little moist.

‘John, what was that young man’s name?’ he asked, looking at him intently.

John blinked, caught off guard. ‘Terry.’

‘It’s wonderful to see that you’re so close with him.’

John looked up at Joseph in alarm but found no underlying disapproval in his face. ‘W-we’re just friends.’ He hastened to explain anyway.

‘I know. No need to be shy about it, John.’

 

Around seven o’clock that evening John walked through the doors of Terry’s dormitory and saw him sitting on his bed speaking to Micah and Ezra, who were sitting on the bed opposite laughing heartily together. Terry started when he saw John on the other side of the dorm, causing Micah to turn around to see who he had seen. His smile faded as John approached them, glaring at him as he took a drag of his cigarette.

‘You said you wanted to see me, Terry?’ said John, shooting a scowl back at Micah.

‘Um, yeah.’ Said Terry, getting up and walking away with him.

John looked back to see Micah and Ezra staring after them. ‘Honestly, what the fuck is their problem?’ He grumbled.

Terry didn’t appear to have heard him, he was staring straight ahead as they walked, biting down on his thumb nervously.

John frowned in confusion. ‘Are you okay?’

Terry continued to stare ahead silently.

‘Terry?’

‘Sorry, what?’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Oh, um – yeah, of course.’ He faltered.

‘Shall we talk in my room?’

‘Sure.’

When they entered John’s room he shut the door and sat down on the bed, gesturing for Terry to do the same.

‘I’m all ears.’ He said, smiling at Terry expectantly.

Terry’s hands were restless in his lap as he smiled nervously back at him. ‘Um…’

‘Come on, spit it out.’

‘I, um…’ Terry groaned, running a trembling hand through his hair. ‘Sorry, I’ve been rehearsing in my head all day and now I have no idea what to say…’ he closed in eyes for a moment, eyebrows furrowed anxiously.

John felt a jab of fear at the sudden tension. ‘Terry, you’re scaring me.’

‘I’m in love with you.’

John stared at him, feeling as though his brain had lost the ability to function. The seconds ticked by as Terry watched him in anticipation.

‘John?’

Love? What did this mean? John reasoned that this couldn’t be reality, he was asleep and just conscious that he was dreaming. But when he felt the pressure of a gentle hand on his shoulder he started and recoiled in shock, trying to come to terms with the fact that this was indeed reality.

‘John, please say something.’ Urged Terry, who had gone even paler than usual.

John tried to speak but couldn’t get the words out with the lump in his throat. He swallowed, looking up at Terry helplessly.

‘I-I don’t know what to say.’ He managed weakly.

‘I knew it,’ said Terry, resting his elbows on his knees with his face in his hands. His tone suddenly turned bitter. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have told you, but I felt like I needed you to know. Now I’ve screwed everything up.’

‘N-no you haven’t!’ Said John, trying to prise Terry’s hands away from his face so he could look him in the eyes. ‘You haven’t screwed anything up.’

‘Yes, I have. I’ve made you uncomfortable and you won’t be able to look at me the same again. I’m sorry, John. I thought I saw the signs, but it was just me in way over my head. How could I think that you might see me that way?’

‘What do you mean? What signs?’

‘Um… well… the first time we sat together on the roof, I thought maybe… ugh, it will sound so naïve of me now…’

‘W-wait… do you mean-’

‘You leaned towards me as though to kiss me, so I leaned in aswell and then you suddenly got up and left. I was confused after… but now I realise you probably felt scared because of my forwardness and I’m sorry for that.’

John’s head reeled at this new information. ‘What? No, the next day I thought I was the one who’d got it wrong, because you didn’t mention it.’

Terry stared at him blankly. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean that I…’ John trailed off, embarrassed. ‘That at first I _was_ going to kiss you.’ He couldn’t believe he’d just confessed it.

Terry was silent, looking at him in incomprehension. ‘What does that mean?’

The cat was out of the bag now, and John could have kicked himself for getting himself into this mess. But it was only Terry, who he trusted with his life, and he felt that his friend deserved to know the truth.

‘It means I have feelings for you. I have for a long time.’ Said John, surprised at how calm his voice sounded.

There was a very pregnant pause.

‘You do?’ said Terry, eyes darting between John’s as though looking for a reason not to believe him.

John couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. ‘I thought it was obvious.’

Terry smiled uncertainly. ‘Truly?’

‘ _Yes_. Why is that so hard to believe?’

Terry smiled so sweetly that John suddenly found a lump in his throat at the sight.

‘So, do you think…’ Terry began hopefully. ‘Maybe we could…’

‘What?’

‘Be more than just friends?’

John’s heart skipped a beat, a pang of joy and fear washing through him at the same time. What was he supposed to say? What would Joseph want him to say?

_Just say no. It’s just one word. Get it over with._

‘Could you let me think about it?’ Were the words that ended up coming out.

John saw the other man’s smile fizzle and fade as the hope left his eyes. ‘Okay’, said Terry, trying to keep his voice even, but the faux casualness wasn’t convincing.

‘I’m not saying I wouldn’t want to be with you!’ John hastened to clarify. ‘It’s just… complicated.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s hard to explain. I doubt you’d understand anyway, Terry.’

‘I’d try to, if you can try to explain.’

John took a deep breath. ‘It feels like – because I’ve never been in a serious relationship before I…’ he trailed off as he tried to get his words together. ‘Well, you know in the past I’ve only ever had…’

‘I know.’ Terry reassured.

‘So I feel like I can’t let myself ever… be intimate with anyone again because the person I used to be will take over again and make me go back to… doing what I did. That may not make sense to you, but I don’t trust myself, Terry, I never have. I’m fucked up and you deserve better.’

‘John, I would never pressure you into doing anything you wouldn’t want to do. That’s against my beliefs anyway… I just want to be by your side always and be faithful to only you.’ He lifted John’s hand to press his lips to his knuckles, and John felt his heart lurch in his chest at the gentle, lover-like gesture.

You're the only person who’s ever made me feel like a gentleman, do you know that?’

‘You _are_ a gentleman.’

John snorted. ‘That’s stupid.’

Terry sighed. ‘I wish you’d see what I see when I look at you.’

John shook his head, smiling at him affectionately. ‘You’re one of a kind, my dear.’

The other man’s pale cheeks tinged pink at the term of endearment, smiling down at his lap shyly. John tilted his chin up with his fingers to get him to look at him.

‘I will seriously think about it.’ He promised, pulling Terry into a tender embrace and never wanting to let him go.


	8. Chapter 8

Why had John promised Terry he’d think about it? The answer was determined as soon as the question had been asked. He knew what he should have answered and hadn’t been able to say it. He should stop dragging it out and get it over with, but today was Sunday and he had to go to Joseph’s service that morning, then have lunch with his family. He probably wouldn’t have a chance to speak to Terry until late in the afternoon – John couldn’t help but feel relieved at that.

 

‘John, you should invite Terry to lunch next week. I’d like to meet him properly.’ Said Joseph from across the dining room table.

Jacob looked at his youngest brother questioningly. ‘Who’s Terry?’

‘John’s boyfriend.’ Faith snickered, that annoying look of glee in her eyes as she spooned some potatoes onto her plate from the serving dish.

‘He’s not my boyfriend!’ John hissed.

‘Then why are you being so defensive?’ His sister taunted.

Jacob’s cutlery stilled in his hands as his eyes widened slightly in alarm. ‘Are you back to that again, John?’ He asked, his voice was its usual calm but had an ominous edge to it. ‘Are you?’

‘Back to what?’ said John, confused.

‘You know what.’

Faith’s eyes were bright with curiosity, looking between her two brothers in anticipation. ‘What are you talking about, Jacob?’ She asked eagerly.

The rate of John’s heart sped up by the seconds, thumping so hard in his chest he felt like his ribs might break. Beads of sweat broke out on his forehead and his breathing became shallow, voice trembling in suppressed rage as he spoke.

‘H-how do you know about that? I’ve only ever told Joseph and Terry!’

Joseph’s mouth fell open at the revelation. ‘…You actually told him, John?’

John swallowed the lump in his throat. ‘Joseph, how does Jacob know?’

‘Know _what_?’ demanded Faith.

‘That he used to sleep around,’ clarified Jacob unhesitatingly. ‘How often was it, John, waking up in a stranger’s bed? Every other day?’

The mortification hit John with a wave of nausea. He felt like his body had just been emerged in ice cold water regardless of the sweat running down his chest and back.

Faith was gaping in disbelief at Jacob’s words, shock slowly turning into horror as she stared in trepidation at her youngest brother.

John shakily pushed the chair from underneath him and got to his feet, looking around the table at the three pairs of eyes bearing into him. The scrutinizing stares were unbearable, suffocating. Not being able to stand another second of it, John bolted out of the room, vaguely aware of Joseph’s voice calling after him anxiously. His mind could only focus on the fact that Jacob and Faith knew and they were judging him, the looks on their faces saying _look Joseph, look at the disgrace John is to our family._

For once in his life he ignored his brother’s pleas, running out of the house without looking back.

 

John hastily locked the door of his office and scrambled around in his desk draw for a blank piece of writing paper. He began to write rapidly, composing a letter with the answer he should have given as soon as the question had been asked.

 

_Terry. My answer is no. I don’t think it’s hypocritical. To paraphrase Paul the Apostle in Romans Chapter 7, “You know, I do things I don’t want to do. The things I should do, I don’t do.” Everyone’s human, and that’s why I don’t want to put myself on a pedestal. I don’t ever want to get back up there again. I’d rather be here with all of you and the new souls in this bunker._

_JOHN SEED_

He folded the letter and walked out into the hallway. He tried to appear inconspicuous as he neared the men’s dormitories, not that there were many people around anyway, being Sunday. John was thankful for that, not only because he didn’t have to deal with too many prying eyes, but also because Terry goes out with Micah and Ezra on Sundays, which meant he didn’t have to give him the letter directly. He peeked around the corner of the door and found the dorm empty except for Luke sitting on his bed, writing. He had his head bent low over the paper on his lap, giving John an advantage to remain unnoticed. He tiptoed towards Terry’s bed and slipped the letter underneath the covers, managing to sneak out of the room without detection.

 

John awoke the next morning with a very different mindset. The letter! Being so upset at the time John hadn’t even thought to read it through in his haste. He swallowed painfully at the pang of guilt and unease washed through him.

 _What if Terry is hurt? Please,_ please _don’t be hurt._

John rubbed his hands over his face, digging his nails into the skin on his forehead.

‘Fuck…’ he mumbled under his breath.

Looking at the clock on the bedside table he saw it was half past seven. What was Terry’s first shift on a Monday? Medical? John made haste to get ready, throwing on the first clothes he saw and rushed to medical.

_Please understand. Please don’t hate me._

John knocked at the door and it was Terry himself who opened it, John looked behind him and to his relief Gina wasn’t present.

Terry’s face dropped at the sight of him but put on a smile immediately after. ‘Hi, John.’ He said brightly, moving aside to let him through.

Terry hadn’t even had time to close the door before the words spilled from John’s mouth. ‘Did you read the letter?’ He couldn’t help but blurt out.

The other man looked startled that it had been brought up so suddenly, turning around and walking towards the desk where the computer was.

His voice was terse. ‘Yes’.

‘I-I hope I didn’t upset you.’

Terry sat down at the desk and started going over some medical files. ‘Of course not.’ He said quietly.

John was beginning to feel both anxious and irritated at the lack of progress they were making. ‘Terry, can you look at me, please?’

Terry’s hand stilled over the computer mouse and slowly turned the swivel chair towards John. ‘Sorry.’

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

Terry smiled heartily, but it didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Yes, I’m fine, John. Honestly. I need to get back to work now, though,’ he said, turning himself in the chair to face the computer screen again.

‘Okay… I’ll see you later.’

‘Bye.’

 

Why did Terry have to be so awkward? Was everything truly alright now? Or was he just putting on a mask to hide his true feelings? The “what ifs” were spinning around in John’s head again, and the knot in his stomach tightened. He didn’t want to leave things like that, but he didn’t have any other choice at that moment. He would just have to corner Terry the moment his morning shift was over. He would get through to him, he tried to convince himself that, but there was an overwhelming sense of dread eating away at his insides that he just couldn’t ignore.


	9. Chapter 9

John hadn’t been able to speak to Terry again since they spoke in the medical room yesterday morning. He had worked through both his morning and lunch break and was nowhere to be seen at dinner time. When John had reluctantly asked Micah about Terry’s absence, he just shrugged and said he’d gone out but didn’t know where.

The next morning John had gotten up early and waited outside the medical room before Terry’s shift started, making the other man jump out of his skin when he saw him. Again, John had tried to talk to him, but Terry said he had too much work to catch up on. This had gotten on John’s last nerve.

‘How can you have work to catch up on when you worked none stop yesterday?!’ argued John, exasperated.

‘Gina had to cover my evening shift…’ said Terry quietly, his eyes on the computer screen as he scrolled through the files.

‘What?! Why?’

Terry was silent for a moment. ‘Because I… had to go somewhere…’ He trailed off.

‘Where?’ John demanded. Deep down he knew it was none of his business, but it certainly felt like it was, so he couldn’t care less if he was prying.

At that moment, the door opened, and Gina walked entered the room.

‘John,’ she said. ‘I thought I heard your voice.’

‘Excuse me.’ He said briskly, walking past her and swinging the door open. ‘We’ll talk later, Terry.’ He said sternly, slamming the door behind him.

They didn’t talk later. Terry had worked through his breaks again, and when John tried going back to the medical room Gina was spending her break in there, watching Terry work and asking if there was anything she could get for him. John didn’t like it, the way she blushed when he spoke to her as though she had feelings for him. His eyes widened in alarm at the thought, but quickly shook it off. Ha! She had no chance, it was him he was in love with. But still…

_Don’t look at him like he’s yours._

 

That night when the lights were out and the bunker was quiet, John’s attempts to sleep were futile. There was only one thing on his mind, the face that appeared in his head every time he closed his eyes. John didn’t know why, but he suddenly got out of bed, put on his bathrobe and went out into the dark hallway. It was so quiet one could hear a pin drop. He hadn’t seen anyone around until he neared the women’s dormitories and heard someone come out of the bathroom. He quickly hid behind the corner of the wall, but the person had evidently not heard anything because her footsteps didn’t falter as she returned to her dorm room. John peeked around the corner and walked cautiously to the men’s dorms. He tiptoed up to the entrance of Dorm B, quietly slipping through the gap in the door. He removed his slippers to lessen the shuffling sound of his feet, walking slowly over to the beds on the right side of the room. His heart was beating fast in his chest at the thought of being caught, but he didn’t want to turn back now.

When he reached the bed he was looking for, he crouched down at the side of it and gazed at the sleeping man before him. It made John’s heart flutter to be able to be so close to him, to see how peaceful he looked as he slept.

‘Terry, I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat. ‘I thought you’d understand, please forgive me.’

He kissed the tips of his own fingers and ran them lightly down the side of Terry’s face, causing him to sigh in his sleep and turn onto his side.

John got to his feet reluctantly, knowing he should leave before he does something stupid like get into bed with him.

As he got back into his own bed that night he prayed ardently that tomorrow would be the day that Terry would finally open up to him. His sleeping face was the last thing on his mind before he closed his own eyes and fell into unconsciousness.

 

John sat in his office the next morning waiting for Matthew to give him the report of yesterdays shipment of goods to the bunker. The door had been left open ajar and John could see a pair of boots through the gap as Matthew paused outside the door. When several seconds passed and he still hadn’t moved, John looked up from his desk and frowned.

‘Come on, Matthew, I need that report.’ He said irritably.

The door was pushed open and the pair of feet stepped inside. Without looking up, John held his hand out for the paper.

‘It’s not Matthew, John.’ Came a soft voice from across the room.

John’s eyes widened slightly in recognition. He raised his head in disbelief, and there stood Terry in front of the door.

John blinked, wondering if he was seeing things. ‘Terry.’ He said in astonishment. He’d come to him on his own accord. It had been several days since he’d started avoiding him, but to John it felt like a lifetime.

Terry stood near the door staring at him helplessly, as though he wanted to speak but couldn’t find the words.

John frowned, confused. ‘What is it?’ He asked, holding out his hand. ‘Come here.’

Terry stayed where he was, and John lowered his hand uncertainly, a feeling of unease starting to slowly come over him at the other man’s odd behaviour.

‘John I…’ Terry swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment as though in pain. ‘I’m leaving.’

John stared at him blankly. ‘Well, thanks for letting me know this time. What time will you be back? Because I’ve been wanting to talk to y-’

‘N-no, I mean… I’m leaving Holland Valley. Transferring to Whitetail Mountains.’

The room fell silent. John’s heart rate started to speed up as the words gradually sunk in to his head and his brain tried to process them.

‘That was the reason I went out the other day, to see The Father about it.’

John took a shallow breath. ‘Why would you transfer?’ He managed to ask quietly.

Terry looked caught off guard by the question. He rubbed his hands together nervously, looking away.

‘I feel uncomfortable around you, John. When you rejected me I thought that things would go back to normal… I understand the way you feel but… anything else, I’m sorry.’

John stared at him for a moment, then he began to feel it. The anger bubbling up inside him. He had had faith that Terry would eventually come around, he had believed that they would overcome this, just like they had before. John had been patient with him, even though it had been difficult, because patience certainly wasn’t one of his assets. After all the waiting, the hoping… Terry has the nerve to drop this bombshell and expect John to accept it?

The office chair fell to the floor with a bang as John shoved it from behind him. He stalked over to the man opposite him furiously, backing him right against the wall.

‘I don’t care if you want to transfer,’ he hissed. ‘You can’t without permission from the herald you work for, which is me, if you’ve forgotten.’

‘I already have permission from The Father, John.’ Said Terry gently.

‘...You went behind my back.’ John gritted out, sudden venom in his voice. ‘You didn’t even talk to me about it. But it doesn’t matter what I think does it, Terry?’

‘Of course it does-’

‘Why don’t you come out and say it, you coward? All you’ve done is avoid me since you read the letter, you can’t even stand the sight of me anymore!’

Terry’s face screwed up. ‘That’s not true, John, I-’

‘I don’t want to hear anymore excuses!’ John screamed. ‘Just go, just fucking go, Terry!’ He shoved him sharply towards the door, causing Terry to stumble backwards. As he steadied himself against the wall his moist eyes bore into John’s in anguish. He closed them for a moment, a single tear escaping from the one lid.

John stood opposite him with his teeth clenched and chest heaving, and Terry nodded slowly, reaching for the door handle.

Alarm bells rang in John’s head. ‘Terry, what are you doing?!’ He panicked, throwing his hand in front of the door handle before Terry could turn it. ‘You’re not really leaving, are you?!’ He grasped his arm desperately, clutching at the leather of his coat. ‘Please don’t leave me!’

Two more tears fell from Terry’s eyelids and he clenched his jaw and rubbed his hand over his eyes in attempt to stop them shedding. ‘John, please don’t make this harder than it already is.’ He said, gently prising John’s grip from his arm.

As Terry turned and put his hand on the door handle, hot words bubbled to John’s lips and he couldn’t stop them from blurting out.

‘I guess you never really loved me then.’

Terry stood still at the door for a moment. He turned around slowly, his gaze unwavering as his eyes locked on John’s. He didn’t just look angry, he looked _furious_.

John was taken aback, he’d never seen Terry’s face like that, ever.

‘What do you know, John?! You haven’t a clue how I feel, do you?! Is that what you think? That when I confessed to you I didn't really mean it? I love you, John, I did then and I do now. It's not something that's going to change, love doesn't work like that. You're the first thing I think of as soon as I wake up in a morning, and the last before I fall asleep at night. I love everything about you... I love that you're so spirited and passionate. You're unselfish and self-sacrificing - always thinking of your brother before yourself and never giving up trying to make him proud of you. You're emotional and sensitive like me, but you're also strong and brave and that's what made me realise that showing emotion isn't a weakness... You're so beautiful. I love the way your nose scrunches up when you concentrate and your eyes sparkle when you smile, like how the sun glitters on the sea. I love your bright blue eyes, they remind me of the ocean view outside my auntie's house in Oregon. Sometimes when I look into them I'm suddenly that teenage boy again sitting on the porch watching the tide ebb away from the shore at sunset... You remind me of home but you feel like home too, because I feel so happy and content when I'm with you…’

John ran his nails down his face as great, heaving sobs wracked his body. Terry wrapped his arm around John’s waist and rested his cheek on the top of his head, tears falling from his own eyes and into the shorter man’s hair.

They stayed like that for a while, holding on tight to each other. Terry stroked John’s hair softly. 'I better go.' He whispered, gently pulling away from him. 

John raised his head to see a blurry image of Terry’s back as he opened the door to leave. ‘Thank you, Terry,’ he said shakily as the other man paused over the threshold. ‘I didn’t think anyone could ever love me.’

Terry stood for a second, his head turning ever so slightly before he thought better of it and exited the office without looking back.


	10. Chapter 10

It had been three days since Terry left, and John knew that Joseph was becoming more and more concerned with him. He had refused to leave his bed, mumbling that he was sick.

‘You don’t have a temperature, John,’ he brother said, putting his hand to his forehead. ‘This isn’t like you.’

John said nothing, keeping the quilt drawn over his head. Joseph pulled it away from his younger brother’s face.

‘John? Tell me what’s wrong, child.’

‘Nothing, Joseph. I’m just ill.’

After several more minutes of trying to get something out of him, Joseph gave up, standing up and saying he’d come back to see him later. Before he left John asked if he could tell Micah that he wants to see him about something, he was actually the last person he wanted to see right now, but the only one who he could ask to get what he needed.

 

He appeared in the doorway about ten minutes later, blowing out smoke whilst eyeing John dubiously.

‘What 'ave I done to receive this gracious honour?’ he asked wryly, eyebrows raised.

‘Close the door and come over here.’ John barked, already infuriated by the man’s presence.

‘If it’s another hook-up you’re after, I’m not interested.’ Said Micah casually.

 _'Fuck_  you’ John retorted, voice saturated with venom.

The red-haired man took another drag of his cigarette, unfazed. ‘Seriously though, why am I 'ere?’

John stared up at him in contempt. ‘I’ve ran out of whisky. I need you to go out and buy me some more.’

‘'Ave you always been this much of a pisshead?’

‘What the fuck does that mean?’

‘Alky.’

‘Limey bastard.’

‘I’m just as American as you are. Almost.’

‘Just take the money and go you cheeky fucker.’ John grumbled, shoving the notes in Micah’s hand.

Micah came back half an hour later, the bottle tucked underneath his coat. He set it down on the table and handed John the change.

‘Don’t know if it’s the brand you like.’

‘It’ll do. Go and get me a glass from the cabinet in the office.’ Said John, reaching for the keys on the bedside table.

‘You drinkin’ ‘cause of Terry?’

John froze, completely thrown off by the question. What did he know? What had Terry told him? Trying the compose himself, he straightened up where he sat and fixed his eyes on Micah, who’s own were alert, challenging, and it made anger begin to simmer within him.

‘What the fuck does Terry have to do with it?’ He answered, trying to sound confused.

‘It’s best 'e’s gone, you didn’t deserve 'im.’

‘What are you-’

‘Feignin' innocence as always, eh? I already know everythin' so save your breath, Seed.’

This man had a talent of getting on the last nerve. ‘Oh, because Saint Micah has to know everyone’s business so he can look down on people and shake his head like the judgemental bastard he is.' John growled, already infuriated.

‘You watch what you’re sayin’.’

‘So what exactly did Terry tell you then? Because I can’t image he’d-’

‘'E didn’t tell me anythin', it wasn’t hard to figure out. What was I suppose' to think when 'e came back that night upset with 'is shirt hangin’ open? I knew it was somethin' to do with you.’

Mortification flooded through him at Micah knowing about that wretched night. The image of Terry's horror-struck face filled his mind and the familiar pang of guilt began to claw at his insides. ‘For fuck- It wasn’t like that, I was drunk-’

‘You were the one who wrote the letter, wasn’ you? Love rejection? I thought even the likes of you wouldn’t stoop low enough to not even say it to 'is face. Then again, you’ve never had a way with words so I guess it doesn’t matter either way. What was it you wrote, John? Wait, let me guess, “Sorry Terry, I don’t do things with strings attached, I 'ave a one-night stand only policy.”’

John stood up and punched Micah right in the nose. He tumbled to the ground, disoriented for a moment before quickly shaking it off, grinning smugly up at John like he was pleased that he’d provoked the action, blood running from his nostrils and over his lips onto his teeth.

‘Why Terry, John? What was it that drew you to 'im? The usual? Pretty face, nice body?’

John fingered the pen knife in his back pocket with a shaking hand.

‘…Or did 'e just look the type to say yes to John Seed?’

Before he could think twice John dived on the man before him, straddling his waist and holding the pen knife to his throat. It was the first time he’d seen Micah look scared, so different from the unreadable mask he usually wore. But the mask was back no sooner than it had gone, the one side of his mouth turning upwards in a smirk as he stared up at him daringly.

‘Go on then,’ he taunted. ‘Do it.’ The Father won’t be able to look at you again after you’ve killed your own subordinate, but then again, it probably won’t make much of a difference – anyone can see 'e’s ashamed to call scum like you 'is brother.’

John stared down at him. He put the knife down and swung his leg off of Micah, feeling something wet run down his cheek and fall from his face.

 _That’s not true, take it back._ He wanted to say, but no words would come out when he opened his mouth. In the back of his mind he knew it was true.

The other man hauled himself up, straightening his shirt and looking down at John like he was something stuck to the sole of his shoe. He left the room without another word, closing the door behind him and leaving John by himself to cry.

 

John didn’t know if he could trust himself anymore, and Micah’s word’s had haunted him since the knife incident. He couldn’t take the risk of it happening again, so he’d put Micah’s name on the list of transfers to Whitetail Mountains. No sooner had he wrote it down had anxiety begin to jab at him.

_What if he tells Terry about the knife if he sees him again? What will he think when he hears that I considered killing someone?_

_It won’t matter, he’s not in your life anymore._ Rationality bit back.

But anxiety won the fight, and Micah’s name was removed. John hadn’t seen much of him since the incident anyway, and when he did see him they’d both just look away from each other and carry on. If that’s how it stayed, he wouldn’t have a problem. Not with Micah anyway, he had problems elsewhere. Like the infuriating ache in his chest every time he thought of Terry, every time someone said his name, every time he remembered how he’d poured his heart out to him before he left. He had tried to avoid any place that reminded him of him, like the medical room, the roof or the men’s B dormitory, but it was all in vain. There wasn’t an hour that passed without John thinking of him.

It was that afternoon when all attempts of forgetting went out the window. Victoria came into the office after her shift had finished – she’d been on cleaning duty and had found a shirt under one of the vacant beds whilst vacuuming the men’s dormitories. ‘I asked around and a few of the men said it’s probably one of Terry’s that he’d forgotten to take with him.’ She said, holding the shirt out in front of her and folding it up. ‘What should I do with it? I could leave it in the storage room if I can find T.J to open it-’

‘Just leave it on the cabinet there.’ Said John hastily. ‘I’ll tell T.J to take it to storage later.’

Victoria nodded, putting the shirt down and leaving the room. As soon as her footsteps had begun to fade as she turned the corner to the next corridor, John sprang out of his seat and snatched the shirt up in his hands, holding it to his face and inhaling deeply into the fabric. Terry’s scent still clung to the material and John bit his lip as his eyes welled up. He let the tears fall as he helf the shirt as lovingly as he would if the real Terry was in it’s place.

After a moment he lifted his face from the fabric and looked around the room. His eyes then moved back to the shirt, then back around the room again. What was all this for? What was the point of anything now that Terry was gone?

He dropped the shirt abruptly, and with all the force he could muster pushed the desk over causing it to crash into the wall with such clangour that John wouldn’t be surprised if it could be heard on the opposite end of the bunker, not that he cared. He couldn’t care less about anything anymore.

He grabbed the shirt from the floor and barged through the door and into the hallway, turning right and running to his bedroom. He slammed the door and threw himself onto the bed, crying into the shirt for what seemed like a lifetime until sleep finally claimed him.

 

John hadn’t got up the next day. He hadn’t answered any of the calls or knocks on his door that morning so of course, Joseph would be contacted. It was about twelve o’clock when he arrived, calling out to John from behind his bedroom door, asking if he was decent because he was coming in. His younger brother made no reply, pulling the quilt higher over his head.

‘John,’ said Joseph, walking over to the bed and tugging the quilt from him. ‘Stop this now. You were fine yesterday.’

John hid his face in the pillow, hoping that if he ignored him he’d eventually go away.

‘John,’ said Joseph, a slight edge to his voice now. ‘Look at me-’ He broke off as he noticed the shirt clutched tightly in the younger man’s fist.

‘What’s this?’ he asked, trying to manoeuvre the garment from his brother’s grip.

‘Nothing.’ John mumbled, snatching it back.

‘That isn’t one of yours… is it… Terry’s?’

‘Don’t say his name.’ Said John under his breath, but Joseph didn’t appear to have heard.

‘I had my suspicions from the start. It is him isn’t it?’

‘No, it’s just… it’s nothing.’

Joseph rubbed a hand over his face wearily. ‘John, I just want to get to the bottom of what’s bothering you, but I don’t think you really know yourself, do you?’

‘I know it sure as fuck doesn’t concern _you_!’

John’s head abruptly snapped up. He sat up straight and suddenly realized who the other person in the room was. He had never in his life raised his voice to Joseph, let alone cursed. Those words couldn’t of really come from his mouth, could they?! His heart rate sped up so quickly that for a moment John thought he was going into cardiac arrest. Joseph was standing in front of him, paralyzed. He looked at his younger brother as though he’d suddenly grown an extra head. John seized both sides of the man’s face with abrupt urgency, eyes wide and pleading.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ He gabbled, words tumbling over one another, the image of the man in front of him blurred as tears clouded his vision.

Joseph blinked, his mind finally snapping back to reality. He took hold of John’s wrists and slowly pulled his hands away from his face, his bright blue eyes glistening with tears of his own.

John’s heart broke at the sight. He’d never made Joseph cry before.

‘ _Joseph, I’m sorry_! I’m _so_ sorry!’ His voice cracked at the last few words and he sank to the floor, raking his nails down his face as a surge of guilt like he’d never known before wracked him.

After a moment, John took a hand away from his face and saw that a hand was being held out to him.

‘John.’ Said Joseph softly. ‘Come here.’

Before he knew it, he was being hoisted up and gathered lovingly in his brother’s arms, and although he knew he didn’t deserve it, he couldn’t help but soak up the affection while he had the chance.

‘I’m sorry.’ He sobbed brokenly into Joseph’s shoulder.

He whimpered slightly when the older man pulled away to look into his eyes.

‘Do you love him, John? Terry, I mean.’

Love? What did that mean? Terry had told John he loved him, but what did loving someone entail? He let himself think about Terry, just for a moment, and even in his anguish, his heart still pounded at the thought of his smile. He knew that life wasn’t the same without him, and no cure in the world cause ease the persistent ache in his chest except for the man to be back in his arms again. He would give up anything, pay any price, to be able to reach out and touch him again without him vanishing into thin air as he woke in a cold sweat on a bad night. He loved him. Loved his gentleness, his pure heart, his melodic laugh, the way he tucked his hair behind his ear when it curtained his face, the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw him. _Him_. John Seed. Coarse, foul-mouthed, perverse. And Terry had accepted all of those things from the start, even when John had bit his head off during their first meeting, he had never judged him.

‘Yes.’ He finally answered, smiling up at his brother despite himself, marvelling at the revelation.

‘Then go to him, John, and tell him. Go and get him back before it’s too late.’


	11. Chapter 11

John slammed the door of the church truck and put the keys in the ignition. He didn’t know if Terry would accept him or not, but he wasn’t prepared to give up his soulmate without a fight. He knew Jacob would want to know why he’s visiting, but he wasn’t prepared to let him judge him, he could mind his own fucking business. This wasn’t about him, it was about Terry, and John’s heart soured at the thought of seeing his love again.

 

John had pulled up outside the entrance of ‘Jacob’s Armory’ and asked one of the guards at the entrance to open the door for him. He didn’t bother knocking on the office door, instead barging right in and swinging its door shut behind him. Jacob wasn’t someone who was easily taken by surprise, but he was to see his youngest brother standing before him in the office of his bunker, lips pursed and arms akimbo.

He blinked, dumbfounded. ‘John? What are you doing here?’

‘Don’t worry, I’m not staying.’ The younger man replied briskly. ‘I’m just here to find someone.’

Jacob’s usual stoic expression immediately returned as he rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t be a brat, I was just asking… Look, I know we haven’t spoken since the dinner a couple of weeks ago but-’

‘Spare me the apologizes, Jacob, I know what you think of me so let’s just leave it, yeah?’

The older man mumbled something unintelligible.

At the irritable tone John turned to him, unimpressed. ‘What was that, old man?’

‘You’re a little shit.’ Jacob answered, not looking up from his paperwork on the desk.

‘At least I’m not some cracked old fogey. Pretty sure your crazy ideology is due to senility.’

Jacob looked up at that, fixing a stern glare on his little brother. ‘I’m your fuckin’ brother, so watch your fuckin’ mouth.’ His voice was low but there was a sharp edge to it and John didn’t push it further.

‘Are you going to help me or not? I’m looking for Terry Wilkes. Check on the system for me, will you?’ Said John, curtly.

Jacob sighed, moving himself on the chair to the other side of the desk where the computer was.

‘Why are you looking for him anyway?’ He asked, typing in the password.

‘It’s got nothing to do with you.’

He turned around in the chair to look at him. ‘Is it personal?’

‘Keep your nose out.’

‘Why are you being defensive?’

‘I’m not!’

‘This is the guy you mentioned before isn’t it?’

John stiffened. ‘So what if it is?’

Jacob didn’t answer as he scrolled downwards on the page of files to the W section. ‘Oh, yeah. Wilkes.’ He recalled. ‘He transferred about… a week ago?’ He looked back at Terry’s profile photo. ‘Should have known he was a fairy.’

‘ _What_?!’ Exclaimed John, shocked. Fury consumed him as he threw out a fist towards Jacob’s face but the other man was quicker, catching his brother’s clenched hand in his as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the outburst.

‘For fuck’s sake what have I done this time?’ Said Jacob irritably, releasing John’s fist from his grip.

‘You can never _fucking_ help yourself, can you?!’

Jacob had the nerve to look even more baffled. ‘What have I said?’

‘ _Move_!’ John hissed, pushing the other man out of the chair.

‘ _What_ is your problem?!’

John ignored him, scanning the page to find out what Terry’s evening shift on a Friday was. It read _West WTM – Wolf Beacon D_.

‘Out of my way.’ John barked, pushing at Jacob roughly. ‘I can’t stand another second in here with you.’

‘Get back here now.’ Jacob growled. ‘You don’t speak to me like that.’ John swung the door open, slamming it behind him as loudly as possible. He stuck his middle finger up at the window above the door, hoping Jacob would notice the gesture before hurrying back to the truck outside.

 

It had now been forty-five minutes since John had left the bunker and there was still no sign of the wretched wolf beacon. Terry’s shift finished in five minutes and even though he could tell he was getting nearer, he was scared he wouldn’t make it on time. He had realized he’d been driving in circles until he noticed a small wooden post that he had driven past three times stating “Wolf Beacon D” with an arrow pointing straight ahead. Jacob needed to get better navigation for this fucking place. He could see the beacon tower a hundred yards away from in between the tall pines and he exhaled heavily in relief. He flawed the engine, uncaring about going past the speed limit, and turned off onto the side road leading to towards the beacon, parking hastily on a grassy area on the side of the road. His heart beat hard in his chest as he neared, anxious, for he could not see any people or hear any voices, until he followed the path past the tallest pines and took in the open view of the spacious area before him, his eyes immediately landing on a single figure sitting atop of the smooth line of rock making a wall around the site. He couldn’t believe his luck.

‘TERRY!’

The man turned, startled at the sudden breaking of silence. John ran to him as fast as he could, too elated to wonder why he was still out there when he’d ran out of time.

The other man just gaped at him, dumbfounded. And as John got closer, he noticed there was one of Jacob’s wolves lying on the wall next to him, it’s head in his lap.

‘J-John? What on Earth are you doing here?’ He managed, eyes wide and locked on him uncertainly, as though he didn’t fully believe he was real. A pungent smell wafted in John’s face at the soft breeze that passed, and when he looked down he realized it was coming from a cigarette held between Terry’s fingers of the hand resting on his knee.

‘ _Terry_! What are you doing?! You don’t smoke.’

Terry looked like a child who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

‘I-I was just trying it!’ He said hastily, throwing the stick on the ground and treading on it. He picked up the stub and put it in his pocket. ‘I’m sorry. I know the father doesn’t allow it.’ He said, hanging his head.

John felt a stab of guilt as he realized the hypocrisy of his words. ‘Sorry, who am I to judge y-’

Terry had lifted his head to look at John and the other froze, horrified at the sight before him. The wind had blown Terry’s hair from his face revealing a horrid dark purple bruise covering his eye trailing down to his lower cheek on the left side of his face. Upon further inspection, John noticed that he had lost weight aswell, his face gaunt and collar bones protruding more than before.

Terry suddenly realized what the reaction was about and tried to re-cover the stark purple mark with his hair, looking away from John as though ashamed.

‘I got into a fight.’ He confessed quietly.

‘ _What_?’

‘It’s true, John.’ He covered his face with his hands. ‘I should leave. I’m not worthy of serving The Father.’

‘You couldn’t start a fight if your life depended on it. It wasn’t your fault… don’t be so dramatic.’

Terry lifted his head, looking at John directly. ‘It was my fault, I started it.’

John stared at him incredulously. ‘Come off it.’

‘ _I hit the man first_.’ Terry insisted, eyes bearing straight into John’s in attempt to make him believe him.

‘On accident then?’

‘No! I just lost my temper and lashed out.’

John just shook his head, still unable to fully believe him. ‘Why would you lose your temper?’

Terry just averted his eyes and looked down at the ground. When John figured he wasn’t prepared to answer, he sat down next to him, now focused on another difference he’d noticed on Terry.

‘Have you lost weight?’

He shifted a little closer to him, jolting as the wolf next to him snarled quietly, baring it’s teeth.

‘It’s alright.’ Terry reassured. ‘She’s just dreaming.’

‘You must have a way with animals.’ John commented. ‘I’ve only ever known those things to be vicious.’

‘…She can be vicious, but she’s done ever so well today, haven’t you, Heather?’ Terry patted her softly on the head, causing her ear to twitch.

‘Heather?’

‘Well, she’s called Number 5, but I wanted to give her a proper name.’

‘Why Heather?’

‘It was my mom’s name.’ Terry paused for a moment, and his gentle eyes were hard. ‘They wanted to put her down because she wouldn’t be tamed and had already injured three people. But I wouldn’t let that happen. I try and be a comfort to her like she’s been to me.’

‘A comfort?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Is that why you were smoking? Because of stress?’ John’s brow furrowed in concern. ‘It must have been for _you_ to smoke.’

Terry shrugged. ‘My friend Brad gave me a pack. Said it helped him with his depression.’

John stared at him for a moment. ‘…You don’t have depression though…’ His eyes darted between his, searching for a reassurance he didn’t find.

Terry said nothing, looking down at John in solemn wistfulness. He inclined his head, gently pressing their temples together.

‘I missed you…’ he murmured, taking John’s hand in his and caressing the tattooed skin with his thumb.

John swallowed. ‘I missed you too.’

He closed his eyes, savouring the moment as they sat silently together, just enjoying the presence of each other. It was Terry who spoke first.

‘Why did you come here, John?’ He asked quietly.

John pulled back to look at him. ‘I…I want to tell you something…’

Terry looked down at him in simple puzzlement. ‘What would you have to tell me?’

Looking down at his feet, John suddenly felt a pang of uncharacteristic shyness. He cleared his throat hastily.

‘W-well Joseph came to see me earlier and we got talking and…’ John rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. ‘…and he asked me if I loved you and I realized that I do – love you I-I mean.’

John kept his head down, waiting for a reaction, but when the silence began to drag on, he started to panic. Maybe it had been a mistake after all.

He gasped when he felt a hand under his chin, gentle lifting his head up. He fixed his eyes on the man before him, and his heart thumped violently in his chest at the awe-struck, loving brown eyes that gazed back at him, crinkled at the corners in his favourite smile.

‘Really?’ Terry breathed.

John smiled up at him affectionately. ‘Yes, you stupid man.’ He said, tucking Terry’s hair behind his ear. ‘How could I help falling in love with you?’

Terry looked down at John like he was the greatest treasure on Earth, eye’s brighter than the stars and sparkling with unshed tears. He leaned in to kiss his cheek but John moved away before he could touch him, smiling and inclining his chin up to show what he wanted. Terry’s eyes crinkled in understanding and as he leaned forward, John met him halfway, gently pressing their lips together as the leaves rustled in the autumn breeze and the soft glow of the sunset slowly disappeared below the horizon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has given kudos or just taken the time to look at my fan fiction, it means so much to me!
> 
> The wonderful RedR has very kindly drawn fan art for Your Past is not Our Future! I can't explain how touched I was when I saw these beautiful drawings! Thank you a thousand times again, my dear!
> 
> \- RedR's stunning drawing of Terry checking John's wound in chapter 2 can be found here: http://redr9.tumblr.com/image/175295452197
> 
> \- Her other brilliant drawing of John after he has been pushed away by Terry in chapter 5 can be found here:  
> https://pre00.deviantart.net/67e6/th/pre/i/2018/181/e/3/john_seed_by_redr9-dcfuio8.jpg


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